The Sound of Silence

I left work and found my husband on our couch staring ahead into a future that was unknown for us both. I looked down, lightly touching my pregnant belly and then sat down, pulling his head into what little space was left available in my lap. I wanted to be the unwavering source of support that I knew he needed, but the overwhelming feelings of confusion, anxiety, and stress laid waiting at the floodgate for the first sign of weakness to come rushing in. I allowed myself to crack, but only in solitude.

My husband had been let go from his job that morning. We both felt that this was sudden and unfair as he had just recently been promoted after working at the company for over five years. In the world of corporate, they seemed to barely bat an eye as they sent him on his way with no income, no insurance, no daycare, and a second child due in just a few months. Clearly we all have our opinions on how we were treated, but the truth of the matter is that we were left spiraling out of control with no stability.

We attempted to joke our way through the stress, but it was the call with the daycare that truly brought the reality of the situation to the forefront. Aria’s daycare was connected to Felice’s job and without that job, Aria would never be able to go back and see her friends. It was this daycare where Aria’s speech had really began to excel, so naturally the sting of losing them made the situation harder to deal with emotionally. When I picked Aria up for the last time later that day, I struggled to find the right words that would let daycare know how much we truly valued them; sometimes, there are none.

From then on, we knew we had to take it by day. Felice was at home with Aria, our ever rambunctious toddler, and he became Mr. Mom. He cleaned, cooked, kept her on her schedule, moved her from her crib to a toddler bed, and he took on the haunting task of potty training. Admittedly, it was nice to come home to them both waiting for me, but I knew the weight was growing incredibly heavy.

I had just recently sold a crochet diaper cover set, so it was during this time that I took selling them seriously. I was on survival mode in terms of finances, but I knew if I worked hard on it that it could help to alleviate some of the financial burden. Regardless of our current state, I wanted it to be a serious business and stressed about packaging. Was it fair for me to spend money on something so trivial? I felt pushed in both directions, not knowing what the right call was.

I was overwhelmed as I looked at the options for gift bags and tissue paper, finally selecting some basic colors before finding the line at The Dollar Tree. It wasn’t hard to find as the line wrapped around the first aisle. I felt exasperated by the wait and all of a sudden, the floodgate rushed open. I threw my items down and walked to my car knowing that I wouldn’t be able to keep the tears at bay. The moment I closed the door, I began crying. I didn’t want Felice to know how I was feeling. I wanted to remain strong for him, so I simply sat in the parking lot until I had nothing left to let out. I showed up at home empty handed from my shopping trip, but I smiled as though they just didn’t have what I was looking for.

“Listen to the silence, Be still, And let your soul catch up.”

Shared by a fellow blogger on a previous post, I decided to do just as he mentioned. I let my soul catch up. I took a break from writing, from crocheting, from anything that did not directly serve me, my family, or my mental health. It felt good to take that step back and before we knew it, things began to settle down. It was a slow process, but it seemed like the pieces were beginning to fall back into place. Felice was offered an incredible job opportunity that was better than anything we could’ve ever imagined. It was difficult to find a daycare with openings, but following the recommendation of Aria’s speech therapist, we found an amazing daycare that accepted Aria and would be able to accept Eliana once she made her arrival. We were beginning to breathe again.

2021 still has had a few bumps along the way, but God certainly saw us through and led us to where He knew we needed to be.