Her kicks have become a comfort for me, like fresh air after a day indoors. They come at random times, but I’ve noticed how strong she’s gotten. One morning after just waking up, I continued to lay in bed with my hand over my stomach, feeling her movements. I think I’ll always remember that morning; it was just us and the rest of the world washed away.
My husband begged and begged for me to agree to try for a baby. At first I used the excuse of needing to graduate from college, then of getting our home together, and then I wanted to establish my career; eventually I had nothing to hold me back but my fears. I always knew I’d be a mother, one way or another and so far, I had only been a mother to my three dogs. I thought maybe that’s what I’d always be, the Mother of Dogs (notice my attempt at a GoT reference). This past Christmas, I finally thought that maybe it was time for me to allow my past to wash away and to accept that it was time for us.
I imagined it’d be a year at least. Of course, I failed to remember that each couple is different. By February, I had a little plus sign on my pregnancy test and immediately was in disbelief. We both were unable to truly grasp the results, but it was happening. We were starting our journey towards parenthood.
During the first 16 weeks of my pregnancy, I wanted a girl. I felt like it had to be a girl, but I also thought it would be a boy. At the ultrasound, when I could wait no longer to know, they told us the sex and I cried. I know I would’ve cried regardless of what the ultrasound showed, but our dream was that much closer to a reality. I’m nervous for when she comes, however, and am hoping that I’ll be half the mother to her that my mom was to me.
As a young girl, I can remember the things my mother began to instill in me. “Girl power” she’d say, raising her fist into the air and prompting me to do the same. I’d giggle and smile, raising my own fist as I began to learn that there’s truth to the phrase. She always told me to focus on my education, and I did just that. She told me to stay true to myself, and although sometimes I have failed, I have also done my best to learn from it.
Mothers aren’t perfect; my own mother and I fought a lot through the years. It usually started with what I felt at the time was some injustice brought before me, and it usually ended with shutting myself away in my room, blaring my music so loud so that I might just forget about the problem.
My pregnancy has been extremely easy, which I am beyond grateful for. Although we know it’s a girl now and picked out the name Aria Lynn (not GoT inspired, just a wonderful coincidence), I still haven’t felt that overpowering sense of connection. I’m positive it’ll come when she arrives, and I’m counting the days until I finally get to meet her.
I’m terrified for labor and motherhood and being 39 weeks now, a distant thought for the future is now soon to be a reality.
In Between the Margins 